I got my learners permit last week

by úna nolan

I cried for two weeks straight. My housemate had to make me dinner because I wouldn’t leave bed to feed myself. There was a comically large pile of disposable vapes by my bed. I kissed 3 boys in one night and got sick from the taste of them. I packed my room and moved back in with my parents. I spent all of my savings on travelling with my two best friends. I swam at night, drunk and naked in France. I started writing again. I wrote you a hundred letters. I fell back in love with my body. I found an easy confidence. I survived on pasta for weeks. I went back to college. I watch movies in bed with my little sister and do her eyebrows for her. I help my brother pick out clothes for parties. I go to football games now, I have a scarf and everything. I watched the third season of that show we started together. I drank until I forgot what I said, 20 times over. I smoked weed without you and had a panic attack on a bus. I’m sleeping in someone else’s bed now. He makes me dinner when he says he will and isn’t embarassed to hold my hand in public. I am not responsible for his emotions. My dad and I talk more. I still go swimming in the sea whenever I can. I got my learners permit. I’ve stopped listening to the break up playlist. Well- nearly. Almost. It didn’t even hurt that much when you ignored my message last week. Nearly. Almost.

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